Guest Blogger #6: Rooney to Give Pep Talks to NY Rangers to Spark Underachievement

By Jason from L.I.

In an attempt to gear up the franchise for its third consecutive dream-crushing season, New York Rangers GM Glen Sather decided to hush critics and fans alike by taking initiative to fly in British star striker Wayne Rooney to give the team and operations staff a thorough pep talk regarding the importance of underachievement as NHL free agency comes to a close.

After coming off of an epic 34-goal season for Manchester United, Rooney, known as one of the world’s best contemporary soccer players, showcased some of his incredible underachieving talent on England’s national Three Lions team despite various lucrative endorsements for his own insatiable thirst for countrywide upset. The 24-year-old superstar remained scoreless against all expectations to secure England’s embarrassing 2nd round World Cup exit.

“When Glen asked if I would speak to the players and staff, I immediately knew there was no one better to spark the fire of motivation for really letting everyone down,” added Rooney, alluding to his lackluster display in the international tournament. “I was really looking forward to making an impact somewhere else. The globalization of sports failure is simply amazing.”

Speculations arose last week when the Broadway Blueshirts acquired bruising forward Derek Boogaard. At 6’8” 257lbs, the brawler brought a particular set of skills as the Blueshirts inched closer to an already tight salary cap. Controversy across blogs everywhere erupted in anger over an element that head coach John Tortorella is known to hardly utilize, especially after last years short leash on NHL agitator Sean Avery. However, the franchise felt confident with a record-setting enforcer donning the longest active streak in the NHL with a stunning 222 scoreless games to get matters back on track.

“This is a philosophy that I have always believed in,” reassured Tortorella. “If we can successfully get everyone’s hopes up and spend as much time and money on just barely missing the postseason in two consecutive seasons, I can finally consider everything I’ve accomplished in Tampa Bay a stepping-stone to this point in my career.”

Asked if the Rangers could count on another late-season disappointment, GM Sather replied, “I know its too early to tell, but I sincerely feel that even with a great encouraging speaker, you never know how capable you are until you come together to really get out there and lose.”

As for Rooney, it seems apparent that his efforts to the organization are just one of many being taken before the start of the season. “Next week they join the parents of the balloon boy hoax to try and spice up the marketing department,” he revealed. “There really is no better press than full-out shame.”